Update Update

Hey Hey party peoples! Been quite busy with school and other shit that is going down.
so first I'll start with school

So school. The shit hole of everything. The place where you get your ass up early and enter hell. It has actually turned into something i dont really care if i go, dont make a huge deal about it in the mornings anymore. Grew up from that shit. I have actually been doing surprisingly well. But i think my bad habits are coming back, because this weekend i did nothing but mope around my house and do nothing. Probably the most exciting thing was go to starbucks to get my drink. But i didn't get any homework done =( which is horrible, and i still haven't got any of it done up till now. Im just here updating my blog cause i know i haven't done it in awhile. My english class is shit. i fucking hate the indian teacher (NOT INTENDED TO BE RACIST OKAY~~!?!?! LOL~~!!) She can't even speak the english language probably so how am i suppose to fucking learn or understand what she is even assigning?! Ugh i am stll trying really hard in that class but whatever. Then in history, i have some creepy ass teacher and shit. I think i might fail that class sadly =( but i will try my best to keep on top of it ( which i am not very ontop of it right now) Then comes math. The MOST BORING SHIT ASS CLASS EVER..... buuuuuuutttttt my proff makes it way funner =) i like him, he is very good at teaching. I have an A in the course so i am quite happy =) YAYAYAYAYAY

ENOUGH ABOUT SCHOOL... what next?!...

Family: My family and i have grown since the last time i have talked on here about them. It went from me hating them and not really talking to them to talking to them abit, and now actually talking to them about anything and just being open about it, but still keeping things from them. Can't be too open about everything right?! But yea now i stay at the dinner table more, and i am more talkative at the table too. more involved =) I have grown my relationship with my mother. I actually can tell her anything. She is so close to me, and i realize what she has done and what she is doing right now to help me be a better person or get what i want =) She grants so many wishes of mine, somethat i go back on but she still does it for me even though she knows what might happen, but she does it for my happiness. But i understand that she can't do everything, but i appreciate everything she is doing for me. My step father is still a work in progress type. More or less just.. on the D.L

NEXT....

Money: My money is .. idk its going everywhere. i am sooo tempted to spent it.. there are soooooo many things to buy -drooling face- TT_____TT shoes are soo beautiful -stares into picture with passion- UGH! soo many pretty things, but so little money. As everyone knows, i am trying to save up for NYC when i go there for my vacation. It's so hard not to buy anything but its like.. i am prepping myself for nyc but yet i need money to be there and shit =PP HEHE i am too much of a shopaholic, need some will power to make me stop shopping =PP

NEXXXXXXXTTTTTTT ^_____^... i guess love life?

ITS SHIT.. yea thats it. basically nothing is going on, just nothing. nothing is going my way or ntohing is what i want it to be, ntoihing is going on just nothing. I feel as if i am wasting my time, which i dont want to be cause i have very strong feelings for this one particular person, but he doesn't even say shit. and it pisses me the hell off. its like you fucking know i like you why dont you just say you dont like me so i can stop wasting your time and mine. it makes life easier cause i can obviously see you dont fucking like me or i dont have a chance so whatever. i'd rather go after someone that i know i would have a chance with, then guessing with you and just wondering and risking whatever. lol i am trying not to say anything and just let it go, but its always on my mind and thats what is kinda making me kinda sad and confused or scared. so its wahtever

hmm waht wat nexT?.... friends?

oh gawd friends... umm so its been kinda complicated... its on then i kinda just wanted to be alone for a bit then i just do wahtever, i just hang with who asks me first. and i dont you asked me to hang out and i am really sorry i didn't reply or anything its just someone else asked me and i never text you back =( i'm really sorry and that was one bitch ass move from me, and i know i should've texted you even if it was late, cause like i say all the time, better late then never, but i ugess i wasn't myself or thinking straight. i have just been .. out of my mind. You know that i am tlaking about you, and i want to just figure things out and not get you involved in it, but i know you are strong without me cause you always say you just need you and your boyfriend? so yea its not a difference if i am there or not there right? am i right? you never mention me in your posts just you and your boyfriend all the time, the only one you can trust is your boyfriend? so what am i not allowed to be mentioned in your posts? Yea when i say so much about you, and i get nothing back. I feel soo neglected. I need you there so i can tell you my feelings so i dont have to hold it in or take it out on anyone else. Just a friend to actually say what i want. The one i like or the teachers i had the homework load i have. I want to just have girl talk with you but .. yea its not the same anymore

Ugh this is probs really lonnnggg =P forgive me for your time <33

Smile because when you smile, It brings out everything beautiful about you <3

xoxo
Vicky❤

The condition

Even though i am in the worst condition possible, your presents will make me better .. even if its just a little.. i told you i would cherish it, and i intent to keep it that way. You are the best =) my statuses all say that I'll always be happy if you are always by my side <3 And thats true, cause you make me happy. You are someone special to me that i dont wanna loose, ever. If i was to ever loose you, i think i would be in the worst place possible and never be able to come back. I hope you never leave me...

I care about you, hope you know that.

xoxo
Vicky❤

early in the morning

its really early right nao to be blogging but whatever. i dont feel like going to class today, i feel like shit. Why did you have to leave? you left me alone, when i woke up you were gone, again without saying anything. Just like last time, you always do this to me? is it because of dad? is tat why? the sight of it just makes you feel uncomfortable. You never speak to me about your feelings when your here, but when i'm there you always do. What's up with that? i mean i am here for you always, why do you always have to leave liek that. i cry because you left me when i need you the most in my life, the only one that can actually come to the rescue in less than a day, but then you leave. thanks =( you know what i was and still am going through and you just do that to me? i told you everything, i open to you cause i love you, but yet you dont just because of him. You know everything, and you just ... wow whatever. I need you Jason... why can't you just accept what is  reality nao. Come back and help me

dont leave me alone here

xoxo
Vicky❤

soo... lol here it is

you asked me why am i avoiding that question... cause i dont know if i wanna say you
why am i pushing you away... cause you dont like me that way, and yea tbh i dont wanna get rejected to my face, so i'd rather leave with pride then to leave with shame or embarrassment

i really do like you, alot, i hardly know you but whatever. I appreciate everything that you've said to me. I always keep those things in mind. Your different from others. Others are so picky, and always want to change you, but you say that you should accept someone for who they are, dont change for people. Well i guess i dont have to change for you... well idk.. lol
You think your boring and lame/loser.. well i dont think that, i think you are amazing, you make me smile =) lol you make me feel really happy. I wish i was in the same place with you.
You risk your health to just talk to me late at night, which i really dont approve, but the thought that you would do that... is just wow, no one ever stays up. Im sorry i felt like a bitch tonight.. i'm really sorry. I just dont know how to act around you... lol hehe but i dont wanna stop whatever is going on LOL.

read my previous posts? it says i am scared to liek or do anything of that sort, you know why... But i might overcome it nao... Your helping me get through this, i would've never been able to get over it...

Your always on my mind.. its weird but yea LOL when i am listening to my music reminds me that you liek my music too LOL wwwweeeeeiiiiirrrrddddddd hmm idk random times, random things just yea weird ... relate to the conversations we have LOL! hmm idk what to say.

thats it LOL sorry but just dont wanna write my whole life on this. if you want to ask me something, ask me on private chat =) i'll be more open and i'll to think of what to do LOL soo yeeeeee i hope you had/have a good sleep =) and drink more water!! or tea? idk whatever ... and fix your sleeping pattern

xoxo
Vicky❤

black

This is the way you left me, i'm not pretending.
brace yourself for one of my stupidest biggest rants.
Im the most fucked up person. i guess life is just biting me more on the ass. If you were a person. i think i would fucking kill you. leave me the fuck alone. i dont need a life anymore. i can't even be with someone i like. or ever be loved again. I hate trying out love.  because i always get hurt, and i can never love someone cause it seems like i'm not good enough for them.  i try to make a fucking effort but you fucking shoot me down every time. You fucking happy im gonna fucking kill myself. i can't even call you, your phone doesnt have calling shit. because fuck idk. and i just wish it did so i could call you and shit because i am hurting so much, and your the only one on my mind right nao, that i wish i could talk to. it hurts soo much...
liek to add that i hate this person that made me like this.. that night that you made me cry thanks a bunch, your a fucking loser, and i dont need your type of person in my life, cause you guys are shit.... lol anyways idk how to finish this off but ye ye just gonna listen to music and yea ^_____________^ done done

xoxo
Vicky❤

The Search

You know what. Everyone wants to know what i frikin look for in a guy, well here it is gentlemen 

I NEED/WANT a guy that:

Understands me

can tell when somethings wrong

when i'm not happy

when i think somethings horrible

how to treat his girl right

spoils me occasionally 

surprises me with anything (dinners, shows up at my house with flowers etc.)

sweet talks me (-drools- makes me fall for someone in a heart beat)

that doesn't cheat

that is loyal

has good smile

min. decent body

good hair

isn't scared to meet my parents/able to be around my parents

comforts me when i'm not well

takes care of me

supports me

is there when i have a performance or something special

knows my style and how i shop/can shop with me

tolerate my jealousness and moodiness

good breathe (sorry no smoking)

good shoes

how about just good style in general

that can make me laugh

can be protective

love me like a love song

can open up to me

be honest

understandable

caring

loving

smart

makes me feel like i am the most special girl in the world

i'm the only one for him

that could miss me

someone that texts first once in awhile

calls me

answers me

doesn't exclude me from things/ dont feel left out

remembers the small things

I am looking for somewhat serious like probs 35% serious 65% fun or around those ratings

i dont wanna mess around and try to date as many people, cause i dont want to get hurt or hurt them

its complicated but these are just some things, guys dont have to have all of this, these are just what i look for. if you have most or i think you have most. 

You'll win my heart <3

hehe~~

xoxo

Vicky❤

A memory that i would want to remember..

What's one memory that you would want to remember?
Even if its just a fake memory or a real memory...
This is a fake memory

I would want to be in a beautiful open space in nature,sitting on a bench with someone that i love...

As we would talk and watch the sunset. i want to cherish the moments i have left with life and just be able to close my eyes while in the arms of whom will be at this place with me.

As my eyes are closed. I would imagine that all my problems and stress and pain, would just go away and set loose from my body to a different place. My body would just be clean with peacefulness. I take a deep breathe and think and express how i feel to my beloved. 

i would feel calm just like a very quiet sea

Relaxed as if i was on the most comfortable furniture i have ever been on

Then i would open my eyes and just look right into his eyes

As we stare at each other with his reckless eyes.

As we lean in and it becomes a reality memory.

But for nao, nothing is going to happen. I feel as if i am left alone in this world. No matter how hard i try and be kind and give all my love and care into something. It stabs me in the heart once again. 

I'm afraid to love or ever try anything again. 

Could i really give anything a chance again. 

I guess you dont deserve my tears. That why they ain't there

I wish i could live and forget. But no thats not how life works. 

Life's a bitch and its always ready to bite you in the fucking ass if you aren't watching what the fuck your doing. 

Your stupid to think that your life is perfect, cause i bet you you got bit in the ass with karma and life's a bitch. Deal with it

You think you could avoid that shit? 

your crazy to think so. As much as everyone wants to no

I need someone thats ready to take me in. That can understand what i need to get back to that person i was. That happy person i could be. I want to love... but i dont have the passion anymore.

This could be the end of something that was never meant to happen. Or it could be the start of something knew that i just needed to wait for. 

Who knows.

No one so dont try to say anything, i dont need to hear what you have to say unless i tell you that i want to hear it. otherwise dont waste your breathe on something that is not useful to me. Thanks

The person that i want to hear things from... You know who you are. And to be really truly honest. I need you more than anything right nao. I just.. do. But i know that it's not possible because you make it seem like your trying to push me away from you or that i dont belong or i dont have a chance with you, hinting me to leave you alone, but i dont wanna believe that that could be true. I wish you could feel the same way i feel about you, but then again, i never asked how you felt towards me, but i believe its not time for me to ask.

I have many reasons but i can't make them come out of my mouth, because i dont know how to express it. Understand please

I wish i could say, but i will say when the time is right. And only time can tell when that is.

M.I.A

xoxo

Vicky❤