So it's been hard to keep things off my mind. I just need to keep typing it out to just release it from my mind and heart.
I find myself spending time at work faking a smile and just getting by just to be able to pay my bills. But when I'm home I just want to lock myself in my room and shut everyone out. I can't even do anything without something reminding of the days we use to be... Use to be lovers, use to be friends... The hard thing about this recovery process is that the more I think and talk about it with my psychiatrist the only way to get past this is to remove him from my life. It will bring more pain to myself and i won't be able to heal properly. But i don't want to lose all our memories together from when we first met in grade 8. In Mr. Reids science room and the new student that was England had moved here mid term. Fast forward to high school and me commenting on a planet of the apes post you had put up haha and that's how we started this crazy journey together. To us meaning something to each other but not really knowing how each other felt. And fast forward with time bringing us back together to start this amazing love story. and now... its done.
A part of me really wants to wait for you and come back to me so we can try to fix things but I know in my heart that you'll never want to and yea..
Idk what to do
Monday, June 8, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
off the chest
I miss him so much... why did he have to break up with me... why dont we just work things out so you can be happy and i can be happy too. We can figure things out together, isn't that what we always said we would do. Get through things TOGETHER. what ever happened to that... what ever happened to the moon and back COME BACK please =(
i'm hurting so much that i can't even function
i'm hurting so much that i can't even function
Again
If i seem like i'm blogging a lot its because i need to try to express my feelings somehow so i'm not bottling them up inside. I look in the mirror and i think to myself, what have i done, why am i so fucked up? Why has my stupid ex boyfriend (P.R) changed me some much where i'm not confident enough to just tell myself i'm pretty. How can i have some confidence where I can be myself and trust people, let people in. I can't even express how much i'm broken and it's the hardest thing climbing back up the mountain.
Putting my walls back up might not help me either. Maybe i should just get antidepressants so i can stop feeling or stop hurting
I'm not open to talking to other guys, seems like i can't do that anymore. Before how i got over each person, i would just talk to another guy and jump into that... but its really different this time. I feel weak, i can't eat, i can't sleep, Im truly broken. I thought i've reached the lowest part in my life but... this is truly the lowest i've ever been. Every time i try to go out and drive everything reminds me of everything i dont have anymore.
I want to just quit everything, dont try to succeed in school or be successful. I just want to quit my job and sit in my room and be alone. Words can't express how lonely or weak i feel.
I am weak right now though, i haven't eaten a single thing in the last 48 hours... My stomach hurts so much to the point where its just a feeling of hallow thingy in my tummy but when i try to make myself food, i can't get myself to consume it. I dont feel like drinking anything either... i just want to be in my room and talk to Rory to help me forget everything, just play league and other games for awhile...
Should i quit my job? will it be too hard to see the person i love the most at work but will give me the coldest feeling in the world... Will i faint? am i that weak that i have to run away... i really dont have the strength physically and mentally...
Someone please... take the pain away... please give me the strength to take it away... anyway
Putting my walls back up might not help me either. Maybe i should just get antidepressants so i can stop feeling or stop hurting
I'm not open to talking to other guys, seems like i can't do that anymore. Before how i got over each person, i would just talk to another guy and jump into that... but its really different this time. I feel weak, i can't eat, i can't sleep, Im truly broken. I thought i've reached the lowest part in my life but... this is truly the lowest i've ever been. Every time i try to go out and drive everything reminds me of everything i dont have anymore.
I want to just quit everything, dont try to succeed in school or be successful. I just want to quit my job and sit in my room and be alone. Words can't express how lonely or weak i feel.
I am weak right now though, i haven't eaten a single thing in the last 48 hours... My stomach hurts so much to the point where its just a feeling of hallow thingy in my tummy but when i try to make myself food, i can't get myself to consume it. I dont feel like drinking anything either... i just want to be in my room and talk to Rory to help me forget everything, just play league and other games for awhile...
Should i quit my job? will it be too hard to see the person i love the most at work but will give me the coldest feeling in the world... Will i faint? am i that weak that i have to run away... i really dont have the strength physically and mentally...
Someone please... take the pain away... please give me the strength to take it away... anyway
8M
Happy 8 Months to the love of my life Ben <3
It's been hard to live my life without you're face in it. When I'm in the car driving alone and all these songs that come up on the radio or spotify i imagine me in the passenger side and you driving and you slowly turning your head while you lip sync the songs and how much it made me laugh and us bond together. But now it brings pain to my heart and it's hard... I drive past places we use to go to jsut think... to talk... to go for drives... drive through Macdonalds. Home depot.... i can't see you everyday... i want to but i know if i see you its just going to hurt...
Happy 8 months to my best friend Ben <3
Missing your personality in my life that just brightens up my day. No matter what you think, you need to know that you've definitely made me happier. Helped me overcome things that I wouldn't have been able to do on my own or with anyone else. You're my absolute best friend and I'm afraid that now you won't ever be my friend... I had a watch for you as a present to add to your growing collection of watches, it's the one you saw at peoples.... I also wanted to take you out to this new sushi restaurant that i wanted to try out with you. You love sushi and I knew that you'd definitely enjoy it. Maybe if we rebuild we can go there and it's going to be my treat <3
I love you so so so much, TO THE MOON AND BACK. FOREVER AND EVER
don't forget about me ben. I'm here for you always and i'll always support you
xoxoxo
Vicky <3
It's been hard to live my life without you're face in it. When I'm in the car driving alone and all these songs that come up on the radio or spotify i imagine me in the passenger side and you driving and you slowly turning your head while you lip sync the songs and how much it made me laugh and us bond together. But now it brings pain to my heart and it's hard... I drive past places we use to go to jsut think... to talk... to go for drives... drive through Macdonalds. Home depot.... i can't see you everyday... i want to but i know if i see you its just going to hurt...
Happy 8 months to my best friend Ben <3
Missing your personality in my life that just brightens up my day. No matter what you think, you need to know that you've definitely made me happier. Helped me overcome things that I wouldn't have been able to do on my own or with anyone else. You're my absolute best friend and I'm afraid that now you won't ever be my friend... I had a watch for you as a present to add to your growing collection of watches, it's the one you saw at peoples.... I also wanted to take you out to this new sushi restaurant that i wanted to try out with you. You love sushi and I knew that you'd definitely enjoy it. Maybe if we rebuild we can go there and it's going to be my treat <3
I love you so so so much, TO THE MOON AND BACK. FOREVER AND EVER
don't forget about me ben. I'm here for you always and i'll always support you
xoxoxo
Vicky <3
Only way
I feel like the only way i'm going to be able to stop hurting is if i write down everything i feel and just let it out of me. I feel like i'm the most stupid thing on this earth, that maybe my ex was right and that I won't have any love me or want to be with me... I know i'm trying to fix myself and not talk down on myself but for right now that's how i'm feeling. I'm feeling very alone and like i just have to sit here and take it... and its hard
I wonder to myself if i'm the only one that's feeling this way, or are you feeling that way too? I want to talk to you like crazy but like your mother said, if i keep pestering you, you'll push me away more and start lashing out and saying things you dont want to say to me. I have your stuff in my room and I can't grow the heart to throw it away, I want to smell the pillow just to remind me of how you smell... and a non creepy way LOL
I still love you so much, I hate that you ended things without wanting to try different ways, it makes me furious. But then again i want you to be happy, even if right now i feel like my worlds are crashing down and that I want to go down with the rest of them into nothing. I dont have the motivation i had for anything before because you gave me that motivation and its all gone.
We have a friendship for 5 years and i feel like ever since i put you out of the friend zone its been a risk and right now i regret ever taking you out but i know in a few months i'll look at it as an experience that i knew i had to risk because I needed answers for the way i felt about you throughout all these years.
I'm sorry for going onto your facebook on june 4th at around 7 am and changed your password just to see your messages. I want you to know that i never changed it after i saw you that morning i came to your house but that still doesn't make things better. I hope that you can understand that i am crazy and that I DO regret doing that... that just costed me 100% of you and that definitely wasn't my goal.
Ben Skelly, I love you more than anything on this earth, I've loved you since grade 10 and i always have. I wasn't 100% honest with myself about my feelings for you back then but I am now and i know how i feel. I hope that one day you come around to talk to me again so we can rebuild everything. I miss you so much, i can't sleep at all. it's 1:56 a.m and i've gotten 4 hours of sleep total since we split. PLease come back soon <3
xoxoxo
V.L.J.S <3
I wonder to myself if i'm the only one that's feeling this way, or are you feeling that way too? I want to talk to you like crazy but like your mother said, if i keep pestering you, you'll push me away more and start lashing out and saying things you dont want to say to me. I have your stuff in my room and I can't grow the heart to throw it away, I want to smell the pillow just to remind me of how you smell... and a non creepy way LOL
I still love you so much, I hate that you ended things without wanting to try different ways, it makes me furious. But then again i want you to be happy, even if right now i feel like my worlds are crashing down and that I want to go down with the rest of them into nothing. I dont have the motivation i had for anything before because you gave me that motivation and its all gone.
We have a friendship for 5 years and i feel like ever since i put you out of the friend zone its been a risk and right now i regret ever taking you out but i know in a few months i'll look at it as an experience that i knew i had to risk because I needed answers for the way i felt about you throughout all these years.
I'm sorry for going onto your facebook on june 4th at around 7 am and changed your password just to see your messages. I want you to know that i never changed it after i saw you that morning i came to your house but that still doesn't make things better. I hope that you can understand that i am crazy and that I DO regret doing that... that just costed me 100% of you and that definitely wasn't my goal.
Ben Skelly, I love you more than anything on this earth, I've loved you since grade 10 and i always have. I wasn't 100% honest with myself about my feelings for you back then but I am now and i know how i feel. I hope that one day you come around to talk to me again so we can rebuild everything. I miss you so much, i can't sleep at all. it's 1:56 a.m and i've gotten 4 hours of sleep total since we split. PLease come back soon <3
xoxoxo
V.L.J.S <3
Thursday, June 4, 2015
What really matters
Everything before us...
Never thought i would be losing something so important to me again in such a short time frame...
[Flashback]
Im sorry for every trying to make things work
Maybe this is the start of something new
something better
by Letting Go of the past
You're missing the whole point
it's not suppose to be....
Suppose to test you
break you down
and hurt like hell
But who you choose to go through that with
That's what's really important
Never thought i would be losing something so important to me again in such a short time frame...
[Flashback]
Im sorry for every trying to make things work
Maybe this is the start of something new
something better
by Letting Go of the past
You're missing the whole point
it's not suppose to be....
Suppose to test you
break you down
and hurt like hell
But who you choose to go through that with
That's what's really important
Sunday, November 16, 2014
My one and only
I can't put this feeling into words. It hurts but in a good way. I love him with all my heart. For the first time, i'm finally experiencing this feeling. It's the best feeling in the world and honestly, just thinking about loosing him brings tears into my eyes. I look at him everyday and my feelings grow stronger and stronger for him. When we kiss, i still get those butterflies in my stomach. Why do i love him so much? I feel like i'm starting to rely on him for my happiness...
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